Happy Easter - the Cross

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Personally I have been wrestling with hurt feelings for a long time. As a child I had never been able to meet my father's expectations and always felt like I was such a disappointment to him. He wanted a dainty little girl. I ended up taller than him. When asked for his height, he would add an inch to his own to make himself 1/4 of an inch taller than I. He wanted a child that could be seen and not heard. I was a "chatterbox".

When I went through various growth spurts I was clumsy and often incurred his anger. I do not deal with anger well when it is directed at me or someone I love. When it is at me I climb within myself and spill myself out on paper. When it was one of my children I became like the angry mother lion. This is my shortcoming and I find myself reeling because of it.

I was the oldest, with one younger sister. She was small. She was quiet and she was Daddy's shadow. I was afraid of our Dad. I always felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt. He was angry, therefore I had done something wrong. Hard as I would try to please him my efforts never sufficed. These feelings of inadequacy are always lurking hard as I may try to deny them.

Silly me, I confessed this to my husband, and now though my father is no longer alive and I never got to hear him say he loved me or approved of me, I try to keep the hurt in the back of my mind but lately when my husband does not agree with me, this is his battering ram. It is driving a wedge between us and I have been praying about it. The words come out of his mouth and pierce my heart.

My friend Jeannie gave me an Easter present. Actually, she gave me a few gifts, the one pictured above for Easter and the others just because. She and I do that, just because. They were all crosses.

The cross used to bother me. I would not wear it because it painted the picture of Christ' suffering in my mind. The imagery was so vivid and caused me to feel guilt, but lately as I looked at the cross my mind takes on another view. Christ loved us so much that He not only died for us, but He took our sin away. As we pray the Lord's prayer we know we are to ask for forgiveness AND forgive one another.  To love us so much that He not only died for us but forgave us...is there a greater love?

Can I continue to nurture my pain? Because this is what I am doing, as if I cherish the feeling. By continuing to dwell in this pain am I not saying Jesus died in vain?

His death and resurrection was not solely for one person's sin, but for all. I may not let go immediately, but I am working on it. I have been taking pictures of crosses everywhere and have shared a few with you. I shared them with Jeannie. I will share more with you as I collect my crosses. They are symbols of love, victory, rebirth and forgiveness, much like the spring that follows the barren winter. I will no longer focus on the pain.

I wish you a glorious Easter full of victory and love!


Icy BC April 4, 2010 at 6:49 AM  

Thank you for a beautiful and inspiring post. You're sharing a painful emotion, but also turn us to a positive direction.

Have a great Easter with your family.

Judy Sheldon-Walker April 4, 2010 at 10:17 AM  

Icy, painful moments are so much easier to carry when the weight is shared, and you are so wonderful to share. God does not give us more than we can bear, but there are times we give ourselves too much while we wrestle it from Him. :-)

Have a blessed Easter!

Journaling Woman April 4, 2010 at 10:50 AM  

Lovely post, Judy. Very heart wrenching and warming.

It becomes such a betrayal when we share personal things with someone we love just to have them use it on us in times of anger. Shame on him for using such a personal thing to hurt you. If it were me the next time he used that I would say to him, "Sorry that's old news-you need to find something new to throw at me." People we love should be a safe haven.

Sorry a little anger!

Judy Sheldon-Walker April 4, 2010 at 3:01 PM  

Teresa, you don't know how much your words to me. I have been dealing with hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal, but I am trying to push myself (with God's help!) through them, as no one has ever suffered greater and been victorious. I must net let it be in vain. My pain is so insignificant. I want others to understand the magnitude of God's love.

Thanks so much. I will hush now and wish you a blessed Easter!

Mumsy April 6, 2010 at 8:49 AM  

I know the feeling of hurt in depth..I always feel inadequate about myself, until I find that I don't care anymore..

God bless you, because you're a wonderful person.

DoanLegacy April 6, 2010 at 12:51 PM  

Happy belated Easter, but may the spirit stays with you throughout the year..

Judy Sheldon-Walker April 6, 2010 at 8:42 PM  

Mumsy, that is the way this emotion works. Hurt gets replaced with anger then moves on to indifference, but it does not seem to remain as one emotion but constantly fluctuates.

You need to be as kind to yourself as you are to others. You are truly a good person. Take care & God bless!

Judy Sheldon-Walker April 6, 2010 at 8:42 PM  

DL, I hope your Easter was glorious. Thanks for the visit.

God bless.

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